tvk | ⚔ 033; [text]

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lancer (diarmuid ua duibhne)

⚔ 033; [text]

What is the point of all this? Is there a purpose at all, or is our presence here merely a game to some power much higher than ourselves?

Arturia's left once more. Irisviel as well, and several others. ~~How long until I am the only one remaining in this house?~~

[Diarmuid deleted that last line, though not as quickly as he might have hoped.]

Why do I persist in the blind and desperate hope that things will improve? They may yet, only to sharply dive into utter despair once more.

Tell me why I should treasure and fight for a world that does nothing but take those I care for.

...I want to leave.

[To those that knew him well enough, that last line may well have carried a very dark subtext to it. What remained for him before his arrival? A violent death, return to the Throne of Heroes...and sweet erasure of the kind memories of those lost that burned through his heart.]

[It sounded much more enticing than it should have.]

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[Saori doesn't even bother to reply or send any sort of warning. So prepare to have her standing in your doorway, Diarmuid. She even brought Sirius and a bag full of beer, sake, and maybe a few goodies to go with it.]

Diarmuid, I don't normally do these things unannounced but I wanted to check on you.

It's fine.

[He looked tired, though a little less so than usual. At this point it seemed like a little exhaustion and a lot of apathy.]

Would you like to come in?

Sure. Is it alright if Sirius comes in too?

[As if on cue, he sits in front of Diarmuid and gives him that look. He knows a troubled person when he sees ones. Saori holds up the bag.]

I couldn't just come empty handed if that's alright for you

Of course.

[Luckily enough, both Saber's lions were outside.]

You really are too kind. Please, go ahead and make yourself comfortable.

Edited 2012-11-16 09:51 (UTC)

[The two quietly enter inside. Rather than follow his master, Sirius will stick around Diarmuid.]

It's the very least I can do, honestly. I do honestly understand what you're going through. I wish I wasn't so powerless here to help out more. I promised myself to help everyone find a way but it's been fruitless lately.

[Awww, puppy. Have earscritches for your trouble.]

...I have devoted myself to much the same, and yet I do not know if I can withstand much more of this.

We've both been here for over a year now. It's like the powers behind everything have gone into a rut or are really biding their time if they're not going to drop another hint. If I could contact people from home, this wouldn't be so frustrating. I've been trying to conduct more runs in Caliban but not with much luck.

[Don't mind her if she gets started on some sake.]

It's not so much I'm fighting for this place but for us. The fact this place has brought people from different times, world's and even beyond the grave disturbs me. It's a clear violation of nature. I know many of us are happy to give them a second chance at life but not everyone wants to stay here forever. My husband and my duties to my world aren't something I can't give up so easily.

If it should be the latter option, then quite frankly I fear what they could be building to.

[He seemed restless as she did that, eventually settling on slowly pacing back and forth a few steps as he spoke with an expression that was either thoughtful or faintly unsettled.]

Another chance was not something I deserved in the first place, but to go back... [Diarmuid paused, bitter resignation sneaking into his tone.] ...Another war for a worthless Grail. And I won't even know enough to remember it is all an exercise in futility. At this point in time, for me the choice is 'living hell as a human' or 'living hell as a Servant'.

Edited 2012-11-16 20:15 (UTC)

Same here. If they can pull people from different worlds and times, all while stripping them of their abilities, who know what their limits are.

[She's not gonna hit the booze hard, bro. It was only a sip anyway. Both Sirus and Saori watch him. She places the glass down and sighs, leaning back against the couch.]

I maybe not be a god of judgement, and I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I know you're a good man deep down. That's right that war for the Grail. From what I've heard, horrible doesn't even describe. To trap souls like yours to serve the whims of others for an artifact to satisfy their selfish desires disgusts me more that anything. No one has the right to enslave another soul like that. I would like to take down the ones behind this if I could.

The fact that they've done so with literal gods and even one of the Tuatha Dé Danann is...disturbing, if I'm to be somewhat blunt.

[He finally stopped at that, raising a hand to his head and leaning back against the nearest wall.]

It's...complicated. I am not certain of how the ritual began or who created it. But even Servants have their reasons to chase after the Grail; it isn't solely a wish-granting artifact for their Masters.

The point I am trying to illustrate is that it is no universally evil thing--it was once an opportunity I desperately wished for with all my heart. But looking at it now, from this perspective...going through that again would be a nightmare. Worse still knowing a Servant summoned into any iteration of the war has no memory of prior summonings. In short: if I leave here now, I forget everything.

With even gods...[Her face blanches at the thought since she is a god, though probably not his world's exact definition of one.]

So it's a mutual contract then. And there's no way to remove any one of you from the war's pool of Servants even if you wanted to leave, I take it? Of course, memory erasing would have to happen if they wanted to keep the war even. Still even if it's a neutral artifact, some of the mechanics behind it are still a bit questionable for me.

Father's arrival proved that much. I had hoped it impossible, but it's clear I was mistaken.

[He took a deep breath, crossing his arms with a sigh.]

It's...not ideal. Even if the Grail functioned as it should, I question if any wish could be worth that much suffering.

[Another pause, this one more like he was debating whether or not to voice his thoughts.]

I thought it the only way I could ever possibly earn redemption for the failures of my lifetime. But I was wrong--serving Kayneth and Sola only made everything a thousand times worse.

That's right...And considering I'm back too, they managed to pull me from when I died and later when I got married and became a god myself.

[She sighs and pours herself some more sake into her glass but only takes a small sip.]

All worlds function on give and take. However no wish should ever cause such grand scale of suffering. It would trigger a feeding frenzy back home for me since the enemies I fight feed off of suffering.

I don't know how the partnerships between Servants and Masters are determined but...it seems rather flawed. Maybe if you worked with a different Master, things would have been different. You did give it your all though even though some people like Kayneth would disagree.

Your sincerity to do your best with everything you can is evident though from what I've seen. It's better to give something your all rather than never trying and letting that regret linger in your mind.

I do what I can. Any less and I doubt I would be able to properly live with myself.

[As he spoke, Diarmuid seemed to have lost the generally happy demeanor he tried so hard to keep up every day. He looked tired in every sense of the word, and somehow immeasurably older than twenty-five.]

...truthfully, I've no idea why I keep trying. All I have ever done ends in catastrophe, even while I was still alive. My only interest has ever been in doing what I thought was right, so why...why does everything persist in falling into chaos and despair?

I might say I deserved this, if I was not starting to think my entire existence has been some sick cosmic joke.

[With that she stands up, storms up to him. Sirius sat up when a loud smack as she slapped him across the face. She was shaking as she tried to choke back her own tears.]

It's not a cosmic joke at all, Diarmuid! Don't you ever say that in front of me because I thought the same thing as well! I managed to lose almost all of my family, gave up every chance of personal happiness to raise my little brother only to have him taken away from me as well!

[She steps back and wipes the water from her eyes.]

And then I died and arrived here. I thought this was my second chance and then one by one I started losing those I held dear to me here as well. And every time it happened, I kept wondering what the hell did I do to deserve it. The pain and lost still lingers, but I still keep going. Sure it's easy to get angry, lose my mind or even take my life but I keep going because I know I'm better than that and so are you, Diarmuid. Everyone here who knows you knows that as well. Suffering is part of being human, but it's how we deal with it makes the difference.

...

[Unexpected as that was, Diarmuid barely reacted. He didn't move to stop her or lash out in indignation, just jerked his head sharply to one side with a startled look.]

I'm...sorry. I didn't realize--no, you're right. Have I truly fallen far enough to be this foolish?

I realize suffering is inevitable, yet...I am just so tired of my existence apparently being nothing more than a sequence of miserable events.

[Realizing what she did, she stammers. She's not one to use violence to knock sense into people.~~Her husband is the exception though.~~]

S-sorry. I don't know what came over me there.

I know, but we need to keep going. So long as you don't let yourself fall into that despair, you'll be okay. You have us, Diarmuid and don't ever forget that.

Edited 2012-11-24 07:08 (UTC)

You do not need to apologize. Truly, it may have been a necessity. [Diarmuid raised a hand to his face--that stung quite a bit, to his surprise.] Though I think that to be the first time a woman has ever actually slapped me.

Though this place seems painfully empty with but myself and Father... I will do my best to remember that, Saori.

Niisan...

Until you go there will still be something for me to fight for. I hope that as long as one of us remains, there will be someone there willing to ease your burden.

There is no point to it. One of us is going to leave, and then what's left for the other?

Doesn't everyone leave eventually?

That's how life is. Ain't easy at all.

Please stop it.

What?

It does matter! This place, everything! Even if you're lonely, and even if people continue to disappear!

Tell me why.

[It wasn't a denial or even a confrontation; just a rather blunt request. He didn't want to be thinking like this. Diarmuid wanted some reason to remain hopeful, yet there was none that he could see. 'Tell me why anything matters'.]

Life means something. You can still live through your life. You can still help the people you care about. You can still feel. Even if it's painful, love is the most important thing in the world, in any world, and the love you have for others might be hurting you now, but it also helps you care for them and care for the people who are here! And care for yourself, too!

And if the pain of their loss seems to outweigh the kind sentiments we had for each other? What then?

It hurts, and sometimes it feels like it will crush you, but doesn't that just reinforce the fact that you loved them?

hnm. it seems people are losing more and more friends lately.

It's something I should be used to.

that is why keeping relationships here is probably useless thing to do. 

i'd rather not make such useless attachments.

...Diarmuid.

[Aengus' hand rested on his shoulder. It was a fearsome thought, for his son to have such a desire. It made even him feel downcast.]

I saw the words that thee removed as if by magic. Know this, and hold it dear; neither god nor man shall take me from thy side. 'tis true, as they say, that death - and the absence of these may as well be considered thus for the pain it causes - leaves heartache that may ne'er be healed, but 'tis also true that it leaves memories that cannot be lost.

People live despite death; p'raps even to spite it. 'tis painful indeed, yet it is folly to seek to escape it. Those that forsake life shall not but know pain unending, and if thee were to return to death, thou wouldst no longer be able to know joy, as well as no longer to know pain. This is the curse of death.

...I can't stand this. I can't...

[His voice cracked and trailed off before he could finish that thought properly.]

Even for all the worthwhile memories left, the pain of her absence is sharper than that of death ever was.

Aye, 'tis true that it is harsh unkindness. If it be that I shall be honored with the chance to confront the true powers behind this place, I shall be certain to punish them for this cruelty.

Yet still... You of all people know that pain can be eased. Death cannot.

Come, my son... if I can but do anything to calm thee, I shall do it.

...I don't know, Father. I fear the ache in my heart will never again leave.

P'raps I can change thy fate of death if I return to the world from whence I came. Perhaps then only shall thy suffering be halted.

What's happened has happened. Neither you nor any other could change that fate, surely.

What's happened for thee, has not yet come to pass for I. Though even we may fade in time - for can I but wonder at my absence during those harsh times - perhaps our influence might yet set in play the changes of fate.

Fate is nought but the path one walks; you have always the chance to step onto another road. 'tis only that the roads are unmarked.

Edited 2012-11-21 00:10 (UTC)

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⚔ 033; [text]

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