tvk | ⚔ 004; [video]

[Why did he feel like talking? Up until recently he'd been concerned with secrecy--he'd finally let himself be honest with Issei, but he wasn't eager to let anything about himself or the Holy Grail War become common knowledge.]

[But...he wanted to talk. Lancer didn't understand why, he just did. But if not about himself and not about anything he'd rather keep secret...then what?]

[Once he'd turned on the video, the former Servant took off his glasses--if he felt like being honest, then he wouldn't need to bother with a weak disguise.]

...Everyone has a wish of some kind, don't they? I mean, it's normal for people to seek their own happiness in whatever form it might take.

[He looked uncertain, voice hesitant--as if he wanted to ask but wasn't sure he wanted to discuss this.]

I think the most common one might be a wish to fall in love. [And oh, had he ever seen plenty of that. Nearly every day of his life had come with a love confession of some kind, and each time he had done all in his power to make the women affected by his curse happy. It wasn't their fault, so how could he dare be cruel to them?] It's rather nice, knowing there's someone for whom your existence is a significant thing. It's no wonder such a thing would be so commonly and fervently sought after.

[...Even Grainne. Especially Grainne. They had thrown aside everything for each other, and Diarmuid had been happy with the choice she made in the end. Even if it meant he was forced to betray everything and everyone.]

But I find myself wondering more often lately...what if someone's wish isn't for their own benefit? If there's someone you would fight and die for without question, no matter how poorly that person thought of you or how bad circumstances were...

[He trailed off, not certain how to finish that sentence or even why he had started it. Here were the innermost thoughts of Servant Lancer, laid out clearly as the result of little more than a moment's uncertainty. When he spoke again, there was a trace of pain and possibly desperation to his voice.]

Please. Tell me--is it wrong to find contentment in only the act of granting others' happiness?

[This was one who had lived his whole life doing all that he could to make other's happy--from Fionn to Kayneth to every single woman he met. And he had been happy. But the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War was making him question so much; about himself, about the redemption he'd sought through winning the Holy Grail, and if any of it had a point.]

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I... [There was so much in Lancer's words that he wasn't saying and so much Issei didn't know.]

You were there. That Persona I released, I wasn't even in danger myself - I was trying to save an idiot who I knew would never fall in love with me the way I did for him. And that was enough for him to come to my aid, to help me with my wish.

A selfless wish isn't a bad thing in and of itself. It isn't wrong.

...I don't think I know for sure anymore.

[He was still so bitter and angry, deep down, but he knew that wasn't fitting of a knight. That anger, as far as he knew, had cursed and tainted the Holy Grail itself in no more than a thoughtless moment.]

All I ever seem to do is disappoint people regardless of my intentions. Can I truly say I wish for others' happiness when all I've caused is pain?

Wishing and causing are different things. You've wished for happiness and things have gone worse than you had hoped, so look at what happened, understand why it happened, and do something differently the next time that situation comes up. Try your best, rather than giving up.

...

[The next time? He'd already ruined his 'next time'. The Holy Grail War was his chance to rectify the mistakes with Fionn and Grainne, and all he had done was repeat it all again.]

I won't give up. [None of the Fianna knew how.] But I fear that 'next time' may only be yet another iteration of my failures.

See, that's what I meant. You can fear things like that, and fear is natural. But letting fear cripple you won't make anyone any happier, least of all people who care for you, whose own 'selfless wish' is to see you happy. It won't make you more successful when that time comes if you assume that you'll fail.

[ Because there are times when she is away from his side. This being one of those times. Her heart has found some conflict recently, with the actions of Shirou contradicting his words prior and his friends defending such. All gowned up and reminiscent of the warrior she was within her first few weeks here, she'll greet him with a nod. ]

Wishes. [ A hint of coldness to her tone? Detachment if anything as her eyelids shut. They were too heavy with the word to keep open. ] Why must you think of such things on this day, Lancer? On any day?

[He did make a few valid points. Lancer really couldn't argue the sentiment itself.]

[But there was no one he knew of whose wish was to see Diarmuid Ua Duibhne happy. And that was fine. He didn't mind that as much as he probably should have--what right did he really have to be happy after ruining everything up to and including the Grail itself?]

I suppose so.

...I don't know, Saber.

[Despite what she had said, Lancer knew his bitter words has corrupted the Grail and surely ruined her fondest wish. How could he dare talk about such a subject with her?] Truly, I don't. It's strange, as if there's an unusual weight on my heart I can't shake off. I wanted to talk to someone--anyone.

I've given enough 'I suppose so's in my time to know that you're not saying something else. Out with it, Lancer.

...Twice now I have lived through a difficult situation, and twice has it ended in death by the hands of the one to whom I swore loyalty.

I don't blame you for despairing over that. But I don't think you were wholly to blame.

You don't know what happened. How can you say something like that so easily?

For one thing, it's very rare for anyone to be wholly to blame for a catastrophe like that. And you, I know, take your loyalty incredibly seriously. If something like that happened, it had to have involved some outside circumstances, or a failing on the part of your master, or anything else. I can't assume that you were completely blameless, but you shouldn't be telling yourself it was all your fault.

...

[Even his own Master had seemingly assumed the incidents of his past to be his own fault. Lancer didn't fully understand how Issei could do otherwise, but he was grateful for it.]

...thank you.

Of course. I would hope that you would at least try to do something similar for me, if this were a conversation about my doubts.

Of course. I see no reason why I wouldn't.

Something like friendship, ideally, would be reciprocal. Most relationships are.

Am I not always around? [ Tilting her head just so that her hair falls over one of her eyes. ] For a little while longer. As I continue to recover, then I will return to where I belong. When I am capable of fighting on my own.

[ Or when she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night with bloodied bandages. Screw modern medicine, I'm from the 12th century, and we just walk this shit off. ]

Wishing for love... ha, my own tale often slips into that sort of story. A bard would find great entertainment with my misery.

O...of course. [Right. He had gotten so used to her company that he had forgotten she would only stay until she'd recovered. Once she left he would be on his own outside of combat and not sure what to do with himself.]

It's the same with mine as well, or so I would assume.

Is...that what you'd call this?

[He didn't exactly have many he'd call friends, at least not after the incident with Grainne. Betrayal didn't really endear one to their fellow knights.]

I think so. What qelse would that be?

No, you're right. I hadn't given it much thought.

That's understandable. Still, I hope you don't doubt that too much. I don't have many friends at home. It's really just Shirou and the monks at my temple.

Sounds like a pretty noble thing to do, if you ask me.

That would be the intention of most knights, at least.

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