tvk | First Lecture -- Audio

This is Zelretch's fault, I'm certain of it.

My name is Lord El-Melloi II, and I would appreciate it if someone would inform me of where the hell I am right now. And don't tell me 'in America', because I already gathered that. I'm looking for information that's a little more specific.

[The voice that comes over the phone was calm and coolly confident; the voice of a man who has grown used to being listen to and obeyed, with undertones of 'it's been a very long day and it's only going to get longer' and 'this is shit only I would have to deal with'. It is the tone of a patient man, but of one who it patient not because he has some kind of predisposition towards being long-suffering, but simply because it is the only manner of preserving his sanity. It also doesn't sound like this is the first time he'd shown up in a strange new place before.]

[Shit always happens to him. He has long since accepted this fact, but that didn't mean that he had to like it.]

I am a very busy man, and I can already tell that I'm going to be wasting more time that I can afford to getting back to where I need to be. I swear to God, if my research gets set back because of this...

[Priorities, clearly he has them.]

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Actually, I believe I have the wrong one. Which at the moment is a rather unusual concept.

[But hey, he'll turn on the video--you're now looking at a thoroughly confused Servant in civilian clothes. And glasses. Yes, he's really Clark Kenting and doing so badly.]

Tell me, what happened to who I assume must have been your predecessor?

[~~...did you really think that would fool anyone.~~]

[He saw Lancer only a few times during the War, but his face was hard to forget.]

Your Master has been dead for ten years. He did not survive the Fourth Grail War.

[~~he's kind of stupid. at least he tries.~~]

[Either way, he didn't really blink at that. Just calmly took off the completely pointless glasses and set them aside.]

I assumed as much.

[~~There are worse ways to be stupid.~~]

There is the question, though, of how you are here, alive and with your memories intact. Even simply summoning you again should be impossible.

Yes, I'm very aware of that. Obviously I shouldn't still be alive to begin with, much less apparently made into a human.

Never mind the matter of where or when exactly any of us are. I'm not exactly a magus, but even I can tell there are more basic rules of magecraft being twisted and broken here than I can count.

Turning a Servant into a human would take nothing short of a miracle.

[This is not helping his 'dammit Zelretch' theories.]

Yes, there are. [And that was kind of problematic for him. He does not enjoy not knowing what the hell was going on.]

Is there anyone else from the Grail Wars in this city, or are you the only one?

Again, this is something I am quite aware of.

There's several of us--myself, three Sabers, one Archer, two Riders...oh, and Enkidu. The latter of which I don't think was even a Servant to begin with. As for other Masters, that of the fourth Saber and the fourth Caster are here. As well as Kayneth's fiancee Sola.

[Beat.]

Incidentally, have we met at some point? You look strangely familair, though I can't seem to place it and can't imagine where I could have met you outside of the war itself.

[His face was neutral through all of that until he mentioned Caster; it darkened slightly.]

Caster's Master. Has he been causing much trouble?

[But it goes back to being neutral quite quickly. You can't read his poker face, Lancer.] I can't say we've ever spoken before.

Disturbingly enough, no. But I'm not so stupid as to blindly trust him just because he insists on being infuriatingly pleasant.

...Really? I suppose it's my imagination being difficult, then. [Or he's just dropping the subject at the moment based on a lack of give-a-damn.]

Good.

[Make that another set of eyes that's going to be watching the creepy psychopath.]

[He's perfectly fine with that lack of give-a-damn.] Tell me about the Riders and Archer that you mentioned.

Phrased bluntly, Archer--Gilgamesh, if you prefer--is an idiot. Arrogant, thoughtless, but not really all that dangerous just yet.

As for the two Riders, the fifth is a woman with long purple hair. I can't say I know her well, but she's certainly not as difficult as Gilgamesh. The fourth...kind of defies proper description. Loud and what one might call 'pushy' but hardly an unkind person by any means.

[Those first parts about Archer, he already knew. The last part was news, but, for once, the good kind.]

[And by Lancer's description, that second Rider was his Rider-- well, it was perhaps wrong to say his, as he wasn't a Master anymore-- was here. Probably human, as well, which at least meant that he couldn't cause havoc with his Noble Phantasms, but increased the likelihood of attempts at world domination.]

[...Maybe. Maybe he didn't quite want to see Rider yet.]

[Just. Maybe later.]

[Yeah.]

I see. Is there anything else that I should be aware of?

...If you think you can believe more completely insane and illogical things, then yes.

Try me.

There's one hour every night in which the streets become overrun with monsters of an unknown origin, and those of us brought here have to summon things called Personas to fight them.

[Deadpan.]

...Well, I have to admit, that's a new one.

[And here he had thought that he'd heard and seen it all.]

At least you're taking it well.

Let's just say that I've had practice.

[s-sob what is his life]

[why is it full of crazy shit and Zelretch]

At this rate, I'd believe it.

[NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY IN NASUVERSE.]

First Lecture -- Audio

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