Lancer || Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
croibhristeoir) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
tvk2011-09-14 12:29 pm
croibhristeoir) wrote in tvk2011-09-14 12:29 pm
Entry tags:
⚔ 004; [video]
[Why did he feel like talking? Up until recently he'd been concerned with secrecy--he'd finally let himself be honest with Issei, but he wasn't eager to let anything about himself or the Holy Grail War become common knowledge.]
[But...he wanted to talk. Lancer didn't understand why, he just did. But if not about himself and not about anything he'd rather keep secret...then what?]
[Once he'd turned on the video, the former Servant took off his glasses--if he felt like being honest, then he wouldn't need to bother with a weak disguise.]
...Everyone has a wish of some kind, don't they? I mean, it's normal for people to seek their own happiness in whatever form it might take.
[He looked uncertain, voice hesitant--as if he wanted to ask but wasn't sure he wanted to discuss this.]
I think the most common one might be a wish to fall in love. [And oh, had he ever seen plenty of that. Nearly every day of his life had come with a love confession of some kind, and each time he had done all in his power to make the women affected by his curse happy. It wasn't their fault, so how could he dare be cruel to them?] It's rather nice, knowing there's someone for whom your existence is a significant thing. It's no wonder such a thing would be so commonly and fervently sought after.
[...Even Grainne. Especially Grainne. They had thrown aside everything for each other, and Diarmuid had been happy with the choice she made in the end. Even if it meant he was forced to betray everything and everyone.]
But I find myself wondering more often lately...what if someone's wish isn't for their own benefit? If there's someone you would fight and die for without question, no matter how poorly that person thought of you or how bad circumstances were...
[He trailed off, not certain how to finish that sentence or even why he had started it. Here were the innermost thoughts of Servant Lancer, laid out clearly as the result of little more than a moment's uncertainty. When he spoke again, there was a trace of pain and possibly desperation to his voice.]
Please. Tell me--is it wrong to find contentment in only the act of granting others' happiness?
[This was one who had lived his whole life doing all that he could to make other's happy--from Fionn to Kayneth to every single woman he met. And he had been happy. But the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War was making him question so much; about himself, about the redemption he'd sought through winning the Holy Grail, and if any of it had a point.]
[But...he wanted to talk. Lancer didn't understand why, he just did. But if not about himself and not about anything he'd rather keep secret...then what?]
[Once he'd turned on the video, the former Servant took off his glasses--if he felt like being honest, then he wouldn't need to bother with a weak disguise.]
...Everyone has a wish of some kind, don't they? I mean, it's normal for people to seek their own happiness in whatever form it might take.
[He looked uncertain, voice hesitant--as if he wanted to ask but wasn't sure he wanted to discuss this.]
I think the most common one might be a wish to fall in love. [And oh, had he ever seen plenty of that. Nearly every day of his life had come with a love confession of some kind, and each time he had done all in his power to make the women affected by his curse happy. It wasn't their fault, so how could he dare be cruel to them?] It's rather nice, knowing there's someone for whom your existence is a significant thing. It's no wonder such a thing would be so commonly and fervently sought after.
[...Even Grainne. Especially Grainne. They had thrown aside everything for each other, and Diarmuid had been happy with the choice she made in the end. Even if it meant he was forced to betray everything and everyone.]
But I find myself wondering more often lately...what if someone's wish isn't for their own benefit? If there's someone you would fight and die for without question, no matter how poorly that person thought of you or how bad circumstances were...
[He trailed off, not certain how to finish that sentence or even why he had started it. Here were the innermost thoughts of Servant Lancer, laid out clearly as the result of little more than a moment's uncertainty. When he spoke again, there was a trace of pain and possibly desperation to his voice.]
Please. Tell me--is it wrong to find contentment in only the act of granting others' happiness?
[This was one who had lived his whole life doing all that he could to make other's happy--from Fionn to Kayneth to every single woman he met. And he had been happy. But the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War was making him question so much; about himself, about the redemption he'd sought through winning the Holy Grail, and if any of it had a point.]
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It's not quite...like that. I admit I wish it were, now that circumstances have changed.
[Without the curse that had led him into betrayal...yes, he imagined life would be far easier. It was already remarkably different to speak to women that weren't falling all over themselves in front of him. Almost a relief, he might say.]
I'm sorry, I must not have been clear. When I asked that, I meant that- [A small hesitation. He rarely if ever admitted to this.] -that if I can't fulfill my fondest wish to loyally serve my Master, then I might want to experience something I never did while I was alive.
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You never fell in love when you were alive? [ Oh. Neither did she really. Gwen.. was a touchy subject. ] Did you not have a wife?
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No, I was. Once. Grainne was important to me, and I cared for her more than anything.
Love was just always a little complicated when it comes to my experience.
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Complicated how? If you held a wife within your arms before, then.. I do not understand admittedly.
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[That strange compulsion to be honest was pulling at him again. Lancer wanted to wave this off with a dismissal, but as he hesitated before speaking it became clear that he simply couldn't.]
Then I will explain it. [He raised a hand to indicate the mark under his right eye.] This is--was--a curse, Saber. Divine magic, compelling women without resistance comparable to yours to fall in love with the one bearing it.
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[ Listening, she gives a nod. ]
Was I the only one who did not fall to such a spell?
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...More or less. Certainly the only one in recent memory.
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[ Another nod. ]
Does it bother you?
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[He gave some thought to her question, speaking carefully.]
I lived my life the best that I could with what I had. I don't wish to complain about what can't be changed, so I won't. ...but occasionally, yes, it does bother me. Especially now that the war ended the way it did for me.
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[He forced himself to stop before another apology left him. He was convinced despite Saber's words that the Grail's corruption was his fault. He had cursed it, and it had emerged cursed just as he'd so bitterly hoped.]
...I was only saying that my Master didn't exactly trust me because of this. I can't truly say that I can fault him for that, but I would have liked a chance to prove otherwise.
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[ A bold tone dares him to object. ]
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[Okay nope, not gonna argue with Saber.]
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You are permitted to discuss it, but I will not hear of you blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands. Understood?
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I guess it's better that way, at any rate. [Really, he didn't need more blame to throw at himself.]
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Lancer. Do you feel as though something is off?
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In the air then? [ Oooooor. ] Sorcery of those beasts that reside within?
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[ Admittedly she hasn't been going out at night often. ]
While I do lay in wait for your return eagerly, I feign as though I have been asleep so that you do not question it nor feel any pressure to provide me a detailed report of the night.
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[...Was that more than he'd meant to say? Oops.]
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[ Quickly covering up her mouth after that. ]
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